Therapy for People-Pleasing

Finding Your Voice without Losing Your Relationships in Bellevue and throughout Washington State

Being easy-going or conscientious isn’t a bad thing. In fact, people in your life probably really appreciate that about you. Taken too far though, and it can mean overriding your needs, building resentment and disconnection, and doing the opposite of what you want it to. Classic people-pleasing signs include saying yes when you would otherwise say no, dismissing your own needs so that other people's needs are met, and feeling exhausted from trying to make everybody comfortable around you. If you’re nodding your head, you probably do engage in people-pleasing behaviors. Other ways that people-pleasing behaviors show up include:

  • Difficulty identifying what you want. Questions like "What do you want to eat?" or "What do you want to do this weekend?" feel impossible to answer, perhaps because you're prioritizing other people's needs over your own.

  • Fear of disappointing others. The thought of disappointing somebody else feels insurmountable and unimaginable, so you often overcommit to things or avoid necessary conversations or confrontation.

  • Putting up a persona. How other people perceive you isn't how you see yourself. You've put up a persona in front of others, and this may make you feel resentful towards other people, or make you feel unseen by them.

  • Constant self-doubt. You second-guess your needs. You second-guess your perceptions. You think your needs, your beliefs, and your perceptions are less valid, less legitimate, and less real than those of other people.

  • Unbalanced relationships. Many of your relationships feel one-sided because you're constantly accommodating others.

We often engage in people-pleasing behaviors because they serve some sort of function. They help you in some way. They probably help you connect with people, or they've made you so successful in your career, or that’s the only way you know how to feel safe in your relationships.

We want to help you determine whether this pattern is still serving you. If it’s not, it might be exhausting you, eroding your sense of self, and ultimately leading to resentment towards others and the deterioration of your important relationships.

How does therapy help people-pleasing behaviors?

Identify the Function

The first thing that we do is identify the function of the behaviors—what do these behaviors do for you? We want to understand: are you doing it because it's helping you stay safe in your relationships? Are you doing it because you don't know how else to connect with other people? Or because you don't know what your needs are, and it's easier to go along with someone else’s plan? We want to understand why you do this to relate to others and connect with them, and what fear might be under the surface.

Normalize the Pattern

We want to normalize that these behaviors have likely developed as some sort of adaptive response, whether it's from childhood or past relationships. We can honor that these behaviors have served a purpose for you and even worked for you for a long time. At the same time, we want to evaluate them: are they working for you now? Beyond the exhaustion of giving so much, are you even getting what you want or think you’ll get?

Here's something important to understand: when you hide parts of yourself to stay connected to others, you actually end up feeling more isolated. You're in relationships, but you're not really known. People might like you, but they like the version of you that's always agreeable, always accommodating. And that can leave you feeling alone even when you're surrounded by people. Or people want to connect through a shared point of view, but you don’t feel like you have one, leaving that connection hanging. 

Part of our work involves recognizing that the very thing you're doing to protect connection is actually preventing genuine connection from happening.

Recognize Your Needs

We then work on knowing your needs. What are the things that you would do if you didn't have to listen to other people's needs? What would change if you didn't have to think about other people's feelings? This can be most difficult part because we’re learning who you are in the absence of others’ influence. We don’t need to make them happen right away. We just want you to start recognizing that you have legitimate wants and needs.

We’ll also focus on:

  • From the basis of all this insight, we can start identifying small ways to assert your needs and wants. It can be very small. It can be as simple as saying, "I'm going to say what I want to eat tonight," or "I am going to make my own plan for tonight" And then we might move on to bigger things.

    What you might notice as you start doing this is that at first, it might feel uncomfortable, even scary. You might expect the worst—that people will be angry, that relationships will end. But oftentimes that’s a story we’ve made in our mind, or fear rearing its head. A change in behavior like this is new and often feels risky. What we’ve seen though, is that clients are willing to take this risk to feel less resentment & exhaustion and more authenticity & genuine connection in their relationships. When you're able to say no sometimes, your yes becomes more genuine.

  • Something else that often comes up is that we identify the relationships that feel easier and safer to take these kinds of risk in. We want people to be able to identify the relationships in which they feel seen, valued, and accepted by the other person. We want to ensure that you're doing this in relationships that feel safe to you before we start working on creating safety in relationships that feel less safe.

  • Perhaps most importantly, we'll work on developing the capacity to validate your own experience. Many people end up looking to others as the source of truth for whether they made a good decision or are allowed to feel a certain way. However, things get really confusing when others don’t have a strong consensus—what are you supposed to do then? Learning to understand and validate your rationale means that you can stand by your decisions & reactions and be a reliable source of support for yourself.

Work with Nuance

Moving Forward with Purpose

People-pleasing patterns can be deeply ingrained. Changing these behaviors does not mean you have to let go of caring for others or considering their needs. Those are likely qualities that have contributed significantly to your success and relationships. Changing your people-pleasing patterns means honoring your choices. We can be generous to others without fear, we can assert our needs without guilt, and we can allow others to feel uncomfortable without rushing to fix things.

That kind of work requires bravery. You have to face the things these patterns are helping you to avoid: disapproval, conflict, and discomfort from others. If we embrace the discomfort, however, you can live a life where you show up authentically and increase self-respect. Your relationships can start to feel less like accommodating others and giving everything you have, and more like genuine connection and reciprocal care.

This work is not something you have to do alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these patterns and practice new ways of being in your relationships.

Ready to Explore a Different Way?

If you're ready to develop a more balanced relationship with yourself and others, we're here to support you on your journey.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Dr. Faraha Hasan or Dr. Diana Hu, licensed psychologists in Bellevue, WA, specializing in working with high-acheiving people-pleasers and healing relationship patterns.

Serving clients in Bellevue, Seattle, and throughout Washington State via telehealth.

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